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Here's to a very long neglected journal. I find that I like using my oldschool deadjournal, even though they sold out to the evilness which is the price of bandwith. I think I'd very much like to forget my 18th year of life and with whom it was that I spent most of my time with. I've quit smoking the reefer. It turns out all it was was just a very big waste of time, not a window to a different world, not a way to deal with life, just time wasted. I think I like drinking more now anyway.
More about how my 18th year was a total waste of time..
It's like...turning 18 presents you with a whole new world of freedoms that you were unaware of until then. Just a new world entirely. I turned 18, got a license and a car. And then nothing in the world became expendable. I blame pot.
Maybe it's the move that's changed my attitude. I have to babysit a three year old four days a week. I have to be responsible somewhat. It's not just like..a job. It's for a family member who counts on me to keep her daughter safe. So I have to. I sort of put myself in charge of getting her to learn the ABC's at the moment. It's so weird how different kids are from eachother at such an early age. It worries me a lot that she's three and doesn't fully comprehend the alphabet yet. I give her incentives to learn it, like candy. We haven't even started numbers yet. It is strange, she's so opposed to learning and leaving the house I really do worry about her future, because she's so sweet too, and my cousin. When I was her age I was already reading, counting to 100...and I loved learning because I felt like it impressed my mom, I just wanted her attention so much then, Daniel was just born and it was really hard to be noticed.

Bayville completely sucks too. It's just a pompous rich fuck neighborhood with nothing to do but.............smoke. Yeah I quit the habit and move to a town of potheads...great. Either way it doesn't look like there are many smoking spots around, there's no..apple park, or mayfair, or anything remotely similar. The whole area is residential, surrounded by beaches. It would be cool maybe if I liked the beach, or if it wasn't all crappy northshore polluted water, rocks instead of sand beaches.

I guess it's time to read through my horrid 18th year. I feel so dramatically different from then. I'm going back to school this semester I think too. It's going to be a drastic change from what I'm used to, but I miss the learning experience somewhat.
NCC still sucks.

I'm finally getting some 2c-i again tomorrow. 100mg. Fun shit.

I really like how plus sized models..are like..normal average people. ANd regular models are skeletons. funny shit..

I want to get another tattoo..a tramp stamp.

A lot has happened this weekend. Me and Matt broke up. We might get back together...in like...may..or june...idk a lot of shit has happened, he was being really mean to me, when I told him to go to school and get a job...a lot of shit he has to workout on his own...I miss him so much though...We're still on good terms...I can't ever be on bad terms with him we usually get along really well..With the exception of the past couple of days...It's just easier to be friends at the moment and nothing more.
So for now we've gone our seperate ways. We're still going to see eachother on valentine's day. It's not like there's anyone else in my life that I like..I sort of like someone but it's not a realistic thing. I hope he doesn't just decide to call it quits forever though. That would suck. I know he's been uh..nevermind. Im just going to slap myself and shut up before I say something bad.

So in conclusion I hate everyone.

On Emeril Live (one of my favourite shows), their showing all this chocolate crap because it's near Valentine's day. And on it, when he gives deserts for the people to try, its usually a couple sitting there. If it's a guy they always feed a forkfull of the desert to their girl. And I was just thinking...like...what about the asshole that doesn't? Does it say something about the personality of a guy?
It's sad that Chivalry has completely died out. I'd love to be treated like a lady.

I got a job at Panera Bread. I love that place the food is excellent. Pay is more, so I quit the Multiplex, and gave my uniform to charity. Someone some day will be wearing that horrid multiplexx0r sweater and pants...some bum or something. It'll be hysterical to see.

And the best thing ever is that it almost sounds like Pantera bread.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? get a haircut.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
148-158 around there.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"?
Galore.

4. Favorite planet?
ok..(sm style) I didn't like mars, I like Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Don't have a cell phone. I hate when people can track me down.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
see above.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
haha actually I'm wearing a pantera hoodie. It's a fucking awesome hoodie.

8. Do you "label" yourself?
Labels are for soup.

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing:
Im not wearing any right now but If I were they'd be my kickass white/black batman cons.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Dark. I dont like bright lights.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey?
She's alright. Don't know her too well but she lives around here.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Uhm whatelse would I be doing? watching IRON CHEF, and talking to my guy.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell
idk.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
I can walk to both of them. But why would I?

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
that shit is the bomb diggity. Nah. Idk I like to vary it up.

17. Who told you they loved you last?
Matthew.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
Cheese! and no my cheese is not furry cheese is my cat.

19. How many drugs have you done in the past seven days?
hah none at all actually.

20. How many roles of film do you need to get developed?
rolls of film were so 1999.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
idk.

22. Your worst enemy?
I don't think I have----oh wait nvm I guess it would be shandi.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Interview with the Vampire shot. Awesome black and white.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
hi.

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly? A million dollars. I'm not peter pan.

26. Do you like/love someone?
Yeah.

27. The last song you listened to?
shit don't remember.

Working at the P773XX0R'D today 6-1. gah I wish matt would answer me.

No biggie though...give him five minutes and he'll be back. Getting contacts and going shopping. <3 shopping. Yeah so Im tired of the glasses. I like to change it up every couple years.

Amazing day today. Work was a breeze, worked with Garcia, Sean, and Dave. No Sickler though. He left his textbook there...

And I got an awesome surprise..

I got employee of the month. Mr. Mead shook my hand and congratulated me. Apparently it was a unanimous vote. So...all the managers like me :). They're awesome there...but I guess you'd have to work there to know. So yeah...Chrystal came in at five and I was out at six..she can be really weird. She's okay...I just don't know if I like her too much.

Anywho, the perks are that I get a hundred dollar bonus, and a 30 dollar gift card, then I'll probobly be getting a raise sometime soon...cause I'm up for review.

It really made my week. But it's been a great week regardless.

I saw Matt after work today too. He's getting a job at a deli in Deer Park, because he likes sandwhiches too. And he'll be getting more hours and shit. We decided we're gonna buy this thing soon..it'll be awesome..We went to quiznos, got gas and such. Then went back to his house and chilled. It was a really awesome day, I love that boy so much. He really is everything to me...

anywho, I got an early day tomorrow. I'm gonna bickety bounce.

A - Available? Actually on saturday it will have been five months.

B - BEST FRIENDS: I don't need anyone but Matt.

C - CRUSH: Matt..<3<3mm

D- DADS NAME: Fred

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Matt.

F - FAV BAND: Cradle of Filth, Children of Bodom, and the like.

G - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS: hah both. The red ones though. Red rules.

H - HOMETOWN: Glen Cove/Commack

I - IF YOU COULD MOVE WOULD YOU? Yeah I want to live in like..a cabin setting or something.


K - KIDS: gosh. Boys. Are. Easier.

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: 8 hours or something like.

M - MILK FLAVOR? Chocolate soy milk, or chocolate milk shake. Nothing in between because milk xsucksx.

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 2, and they're awesome. Better than your siblings nigga.

O - ONE WISH: Geh that I didnt have work in about three seconds.

P - PHOBIA(S): phobiaphobia iraqiphobia and just plain old phobia. Nah Im just messin. I fear not.

Q - FAVORITE QUOTE? I like my coffee black, just like my metal.

R - REASON TO SMILE: Because power metal is awesome.

S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: ELVENKING!

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 9:30.

U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: I worship satan. Nah just messin satan is a fag.

V- VEGTABLE YOU LOVE: aww. That terri shiavo....
Nah. I love veggies all the same they're so yummy and good..

W - WORST Habit: Xnail biterX

X - number of X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: like...three tops.

Y - YUMMY FOOD: Oh man. Eggplant parmigian. Baked though. The way my mom does it...Im gonna miss her so much when she goes for surgery. She's awesome.

Z - Zodiac Sign- Cancer. The disease...yeah...the crab..yeah...july..yeah...21...yeah

Work today same as usual. The time goes by fast because Sickler and me laugh the day off. And Calderon putting in his two cents every now and then to boost his ego...

Matt looks super cute now a days. I'd say why but I don't feel like typing. Work tires me out, and leaves me with nothing else to do in the day, seeing as...well...

yeah.

My Mom is scared of her operation. I can't believe no one else has asked her about it, or talked to her. Everytime I think of her in the hospital, all alone..I cry. She is honestly the sweetest lady and best Mom ever. Like..she makes good food and is the type of Mom to always give you a kiss on the cheek even if you're all grown up...and makes the best food...loves the cat and dog too..

She came her when she was 20..with NOTHING. Not a cent to her name, as a tourist, and decided to stay...only going back home four times since then...leaving everything and everyone she knew and loved...because she wanted to make something of herself, and here was the only place she could do it. And there were hard times for a while...but she managed to turn nothing into a five bedroom house in suburbia.

I love my Mom and I hope everything will be okay with her...I'd honestly give my life for her....because shes done so much for me..

Okay...one...Josh Sickler has the most amazing laugh ever. And me and him are best good friends now, because I get to talk to him all the time since he's in training to be box office XmanagerX. It's like a high-pitched giggle.

So..let me retrace my steps and start from the begining, and not the middle...

I woke up. Showered, talked to x and the fam, spruced up the XroomX, then trecked on over to Matt's house. Chilled for a bit, then decided that we had to go somewhere. Got lost around the sunrise highway, then ended up at the Sunrise Mall, which xRocksx. Hit up Hot Topic first of course..because Matt had a giftcard, and I decided what the hell maybe i'll see something I like. I ended up buying a skirt and a pair of pants...which reminded me of oldschool Jess. I totally missed that. Matt bought another pair that I wanted..but decided to let him have. Either way it worked out. Things always seem to do that. btw I tried both the skirt and the pants on...and I love them. And I bet you Matt will look hot in his new pants..he looks hot in everything anyway because he's the best there ever is. So, I dragged him to G+G to get a shirt too, because I couldn't have just pants. He didn't mind though, because he's used to it. It was really cool going to the sunrise mall..we held hands the whole time, and talked a lot it really was great. Like...he doesn't bore me, and nothing about him annoys me at all. Even though Mike doesn't like him...I've come to realize that Mike doesn't like any of my boyfriends, and letting that shit get in the way just messes up my relationships...when I really should just appreciate them for what they are and whatnot. Eh whatever I'm in a really good mood. And I'm not letting it spoil this one because..Matt is everything I could ever ask for.

So, to get back from that tangent....

Then we drove out to Mickey d's all the way in commack, the one by the multiplex, to get some grub before work. And because Matt is so freakin skinny I tried to get some meat on his bones by feeding him pure geled fat. (aka hamburgers, fries, and a milkshake). I had a salad and had to pick out all the cheese, because it wasn't the good kind of cheese...and I was feeling particularly nice so I decided to be environmentally friendly...to the animals that is.

Then it was off to work. We got dressed, then went in because we were conveniently scheduled for the same time. Again, the punch clock didn't work, so we bugged Mr. Mead about it. I got more best incentive passes for being awesome.

Then work...it was crazy busy, and I made a million dollars in charity. Joked around with Robyne..I made her laugh so hard her cheeks hurt..lol... and then Oehme was on box office, so...it made me nervous as all hell because he has to be the best looking guy that has ever set foot on the face of the earth, next to brad pitt that is.. (doesn't mean I like him...not even close). But I talked to him and stuff and he's pretty cool. Along with Sickler.

I pointed out that Calderon looks like a cancer patient, and Sickler almost pissed himself with laughter (because it's true).

So yeah, work wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. It was actually fun talking to people there. And Mr. Oehme remembers Mr. Nicholas...the math teacher from the middle school that was a total weirdo.

And yeah, after work I made the journey to the far away land of deer park to drop off Matt, talked to him cuddled and made plans for tomorrow. Then drove here, and talked to my brother who is such a nice kid....he was troubled...and needed to talk.

Okay...what kind of guy gets play, and worries about keeping a relationship? He got ass from some chick that he liked, and ten minutes later she got back together with her bf of two years or something...and then she was mad when he got his freak on with some other chick...when she clearly was doing the same.

Jess' advice....what the hell kind of fifteen year old puts out on the first date? And honestly, he was nice enough to want a relationship that was meaningful and not just getting ass...but..geh her fault, and not worth it..and get over it. But what a nice kid.

Another tragic death of a local 15 year old teen has been attributed to a new hair style that has become prominent in the emo/hardcore/gay community. The hair cut features long bangs that all but competely blocks the vision in the left or right eye.

"Kids don't realize that depth perception is reguarded in society as being much more important than having a slightly tilted version of a homosexual 80's haircut." says Dr. Pepper, M.D. from the Center of Stupidity Control. "We have encountered some fairly stupid fads in the past, but sacrificing 50% of one of your five senses to look like a douchbag is definatly something new".

The teen who recently passed away was killed when he was attempting to take a picture of himself for his "myspace"; a popular website that promotes homosexuality, cross dressing and general stupidity among youths.

With his depth perception hindered, the teen failed to realize that the camera was one and a half inches from his face. The resulting flash caused the teen to be temporarily blinded, which lead him to kill himself because everything didn't go exactly his way.

His parents were less than pleased, "If we'd of known that letting him look like an effeminate herion addict would've killed him, we would've never of bought him that eye liner!", said the teens mother.

This is the fourth death attributed to this hair style.

"Depth perception is not something you should take lightly". Says Dr. Pepper M.D. "I treated a teen last weekend who wandered in front of a bus because he was simply using one eye to navigate! The parents need to get involved!".

Some teens still seem to think it's a game.

"It's just our way of not conforming man.... We just don't want to have normal haircuts like everyone else." Says Raven Dinglehouse from Ft. Peirce, FL. "We'd just rather strictly copy a few million dirty looking people than have a hair cut that loosely resembles the rest of the world."

This comment was profound enough to cause our correspondent's head to explode.

Even Elton John has chimmed in with his concerns, "This new fad is gayer than two gay guys having sex with three gay guys", says the accomplished performer.

This reporter could not agree more.

While it has been known that teens will certainly risk life and limb for the approval of their peers, never in history have they been also willing to risk diginity, sexual identity and a bad dye job all at the same time.

Work was harsh today. Double on a senior wednesday courtesy of Mr. Mead. I made a lot of money in charity, and unfortunately it goes to charity, for people who need it and isn't labeled 'tips'. Actually, I shouldn't say work was harsh, it wasn't that bad. I got my read on, and I talked to Joshie Sickler, and Hurdy Hurt the Third, and Nassetta. Everyone and their mom (and tiffy!) came for passes today. And El Ross was there too. He's such a funny little jewish guy. He always gets food and funny accents and his gold jewish star...and his bad teeth...he's awesome.

Something really creepy happened after I got out of work. I was realy thirsty and went digging through my car for cash, then headed towards the seven eleven, and I saw someone I haven't seen in years. I saw James, Jon's skinny friend. He was there with a black guy, and he's really really changed. Like, he used to be really cool, funny and cute. But...damn...I havent really seen him since I was 16, and in the span of two years he's almost become unrecognizeable. He lost one of his front teeth, is even skinnier than before, and looks like he's going to die. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he did die within a year. All he ever does now is do drugs. He doesn't drive anymore, or go to school. Or anything. He used to be really smart and really funny, it is really really sad...like...I almost cried..apparently Jon is in rehab, his parents found out he was doing a lot of shit and forced him to go...or would have called the cops on him. He started trying to put moves on me, so I got the hell out of there. I hope I never see them again, just because they scare the crap out of me. Like..those crackheads that ask you for money on the street with the bad teeth and grubby little hands..It's mean to say that though..they used to be a lot of fun...but w/e they're both gross now, and I have a boyfriend that doesn't fuck around with my head, and that I know I can trust and wont cheat on me...doesnt have obnoxious features, is taller than me but not too tall, isn't a high-maintenance douche bag, isn't fat, isn't addicted to anything, has similar backround and is ready to really move on, doesn't have a girly haircut or an annoying voice and cares about me.

Today just totally sucked completely and entirely. I had to go to my psychologist, which blew. It just got me depressed and in a bad mood. They're good there, they convince people that they have diseases. Then I had 6 and a half grueling hours of work, which luckily went by fast. I was reading Queen of the Damned, because well....it was the only book around at the moment. It's not too bad though. Never will it compare to The Vampire Lestat, and Interview With the Vampire.

Eh. So you know that feeling...you know...when you feel like..you're to tired to set goals for yourself anymore, because everything and anything you had ever wanted to do was taken away from you....you weren't allowed to because of this and that...and you feel robbed of life, that leaves a feeling of emptiness in your stomache and rots in the pit of your soul....yeah that feeling totally blows.

And Mike is a fucking asshole. He's talking to Shandi again, that fucking bitch. I honestly don't want to have anything to do with her, because I'm sick and tired of her crap. And as far as I'm concerned, if he's friends with her, he's not friends with me. So long dickhead.

And I'm being drug tested so no more drugs. Matt is quitting too because he's just that awesome and isn't an asshole or anything. It's gonna be five months with me and him soon...which is one less than half a year :). He's so amazing, honestly he's the only person I know I can trust, and like...Shit happens..but..we work things out every time. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had, and probobly ever will have. And his peepee puts everyone else's to shame. :).

Cheese is sleeping on my bed, and he looks adorable :). He got hurt the other day, but he's getting better. Still can't walk though. The trip to the vet sucked up my paycheck for this week which blows.

Going to hang out with Danielle and Amanda soon, people whom I haven't seen in forever. It's gonna be good times, like always.

Word on the street is that no one can cut school without me. But then again security has no real authority.

Drove on the Sunken Meadow pkwy the other day. I was scared. Wasted a lot of gas just bullshitting around, and ended up going to see Last Holiday. And being made fun of it the whole entire time by the managers. It was good though, exactly what you'd expect. Take any generic girl movie. It was good, but severly overplayed, and unoriginal. I think I want to take up script writting.

So yeah working again tonight, closing, 6-1. I see everyone I know there, and their mom. If I like them I just do the pass thing. Best perks ever.

Sickler became manager, and he's still awesome. But Calderon bitched because I showed him how to do refunds and shit, and practically did them for him. But it doesn't matter, his was just pissed that I knew that those little lolipops are dumdums and he didn't.

I think Matt is mad at me for some reason, but....


ahhh TRUE FACT:::::

There's a lake in south america, high up in the mountains called, Lake Titicaca.

I just got home like.. two hours ago. My hair is being bleached right now, I can't believe how effing long it's been since I've dyed my hair. I used to do it on a monthly basis.

I hung out with Matt allll day today. I'll spare the more delicate details of the day, but loads of weird shit happened. Like, I almost got hit by a CDC truck, and by the mailman. On the way to Deer Park of course, no crazy shit like that could ever happen in Commack. We went to get our checks cashed, got tacobell and whatnot. Smoked a lot of reefer. WEnt to waldbies to get hairdye, when some jesus guy was begging me and Mattness to join him in Prayer...we were like..'eh....no..'. Then went back to his house and smoked a page of the bible, just to make sure we remained unsanctified.

At 800 after some...aerobics,..we hauled ass over to the bowling alley, met up with Fischer, Dildo, Eileen, Burgos, Hurt, Nassetta, Elisa (pointsettas girlfriend), Chrystal, and Heather. Bowled a couple of games, Matt almost winning first round, but being totally schooled by Nassetta, and Fischer No getting more than 40 points either round. He did these really funny accents throughout the whole game. It was fun. I like bowling, and I got an icecream.

good timez

Something happened the other day..Saturday. While I was driving. Everything is okay and shit, but I really do hate driving, and I totally wouldnt if It wasn't for the fact that I get to see Matt, and...it's how I get around.

The roads really suck. I'm scared shitless driving, and some asshole in a honda almost hit me while driving home tonight, so I beeped my horn for a good ten minutes while driving dangerously close to them because I felt like being an asshole back. Nah I didn't really, because I'm too much of a pussy to stand up for myself. But whatever, if he did hit me I would have punctured a few extra holes in his head with my steel-toed goodness. Great thing about the snow, you feel cool wearing 16 eyelet steel toed boots. I thought they were a waste of money for a while because 180 something is a lot for fucking shoes. But they are awesome two years running.

It really sucked that it rained, then snowed (past tense being snew? It's not right but it sounds like it should be). There's like, two inches of solid ice covering all the roads in residential areas..atleast the ones by me. And obviously the snow plows don't have the ability to melt, and/or scrape the ice from the roads...so it totally sucks to drive and I absolutely detest it. And sand gets the roads all gross, and salt washes away and burns out all the vegetation surrounding the area....finding an amazing, economic solution to getting rid of ice on the roads would be awesome. And I'm not talking about global-warming...

It's a 'whatever' thing though. Nothing I care enough about to ruin my plans for tomorrow. I'm going to hobble-hop-skip-but-not-really over to Deer Park to see my favourite person. Gonna get checks cashed, hopefully pick up a few bottles of hair dye, and assorted hair goods. Maybe? get a haircut, nothing serious, I'm not stupid enough to cut my hair short again. Becuse short cuts are for lesbians, and dating a lesbian is a short-cut. Nah, I just want to have long, pretty hair. It's pretty long now anyway, goes down past my shoulders a few inches, I just need a trim.

Anyway, then it's off to the bowling alley with people from work, they're really awesome there at the movie theater, the job really does have its moments. Sickler just became manager, which is cool cause he's a really cool guy.

And I wish there were more games available for PSP.

I am never buying more than one cd at a time, because I always end up really liking one, and absolutely hating the rest. I'm too fucking picky. Like the new(er) Dark Tranquility...it only ranks mediocre in my book.

What makes a great cd (any cradle of filth, finntroll, or Children of Bodom up to follow the reaper),:
Vocals, have to be decent atleast.
Solos that don't suck.
A good drummer that doesn't sound like he's banging a tin-can,
Some kind of cute instrument added, whether it be bells, one of those keyboard thingys...something to make atleast one song on the cd sound pretty.
And non-repetitive chorus/verse (which children of bodom has yet to achieve, and now for all purposes they just completely and totally suck, and cradle of filth, at times..but only at times, they still more than make up for anything bad they ever do with crazy solos by both guitarists).

It's almost exactly right to say that I'm content with life at this point, it has downfalls at times, but I have the most amazing boyfriend, who really is always there for me, and a couple of really good friends, so shit is good.

Just finished watching cry wolf. Not the worst movie I've ever seen, but definitely not one of the best. It relys on the fact that it has a twist ending, and leaves the rest of the movie to build up a boring sort of suspense. But the end pisses me off.

Spoiler:
Dodger plans the whole thing out. She's in love with the fucking teacher, and the whole killing thing was a hoax planned out by her, to plant a gun on him (which she used to kill some other chick that the teacher liked more than her, and planned to go away on a trip with), and then have the cute guy kill him.

The ending honestly pisses me off. Someone should watch it...its fucking annoying.